List of Lewis Grizzard Quotes

Let's All Start Walking More And Driving Less.

Sex Hasn't Been The Same Since Women Started Enjoying It.

I Grew Up In A Very Large Family In A Very Small House. I Never Slept Alone Until After I Was Married.

If You Are Not The Lead Dog, Your Scenery Never Changes.

They Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

On A New York Subway You Get Fined For Spitting, But You Can Throw Up For Nothing.

Elvis Is Dead And I Don't Feel So Good For Myself.

When My Love Returns From The Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care?

Life Is A Sexually Transmitted Terminal Disease.

Mama Had An Appreciation Of The Language. She Taught Me A Love Of Words, Of How They Should Be Used And How They Can Fill A Creative Soul With A Passion And Lead To A Life's Work.

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About A Quart Low.

Spring Time Is The Land Awakening.

There Is Something Wrong When You Wait In Line Thirty Minutes To Get A Hamburger That Was Cooked For Ninety Seconds An Hour Ago.

I Get Letters From People Who Say, 'what Have You Got Against Women?' What Could I Possibly Have Against Women? I've Married Three Of Them.

Today's Sensitive Male Has Learned To Share In Open Frank Discussions About Relationships Like, "where The Hell Did You Get A Crazy Idea Like That? You Been Reading Redbook Again?"

I Finally Figured It Out, I Finally Figured Out How To Find Some Peace And Happiness. I Sure Would Hate For The Man Upstairs To Take Me Now. But At Least I Did Figure It Out.

If I Ever Get Back To Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet To The Ground.

I'd Much Rather Sit Next To A Smoker In A Restaurant Than A Nose-blower.

There's Nothing Inherently Dirty About Sex, But If You Try Real Hard And Use Your Imagination You Can Overcome That.

Kinky Sex Involves The Use Of Duck Feathers. Perverted Sex Involves The Whole Duck.

If Soccer Was An American Soft Drink, It Would Be Diet Pepsi

God Bless Merle Haggard. He Did All The Things That Johnny Cash Was Supposed To Have Done.

Money Doesn't Grow On Trees, And If It Did Somebody Else Would Own The Orchard.

I Came From A Big Family. As A Matter Of Fact, I Never Got To Sleep Alone Until I Was Married.