List of Art Buchwald Quotes

New York Was The Glamorous Town That You Only See Now In Old Movies And On Broadway Stages. The Sky Was Lit Up With Dancing Neon Signs. It Was Safe To Walk Out In The Streets.

While My Friends Were Discussing Pearl Harbor As The Country's Problem, I Took It Personally. It Dawned On Me That The Japanese Attack Could Be My Ticket Out Of High School.

I Just Don't Want To Die The Same Day Castro Dies

On The Whole I Woke Up In The Morning And Was Happy To Be Alive.

When I Got To The Hospice I Was Under The Impression It Would Be A Two- Or Three-week Stay. But Here I Still Am, Six Weeks Later, And I've Gotten So Well Medicare Won't Pay For Me Anymore.

I Don't Mind 800 Million Chinese Drinking A Bottle [of Coca-cola] A Day, But I Don't Want Them To Bring Back The Empties.

This Is A Wonderful Way To Celebrate An 80th Birthday... I Wanted To Be 65 Again, But They Wouldn't Let Me - Homeland Security.

Over The Years I Have Met A Lot Of Important People, But No One As Important As Elvis Presley.

It Was A Dangerous Profession I Had Chosen ... Because No One Likes A Funny Kid. In Fact, Adults Are Scared Silly Of Them And Tend To Warn Children Who Act Out That They Are Going To Wind Up In Prison Or Worse. It Is Only When You Grow Up That They Pay You Vast Sums Of Money To Make Them Laugh.

I Know It's Very Egocentric To Believe That Someone Is Put On Earth For A Reason. In My Case, I Like To Think I Was.

I Didn't Go On Dialysis Because I Was 81 Years Old And I'd Done Everything I Wanted, Or So I Thought.

I Became A Hero To Everyone Because I Didn't Take Dialysis And Was Still Alive.

I Worship The Quicksand He [richard Nixon] Walks In.

I Like Champagne Because It Always Tastes As Though My Foot's Asleep.

Writing Humor In My Column Isn't As Dangerous As Performing It. If I Fail In Front Of A Live Audience, The Humiliation Is As Great As Anything A Human Being Can Suffer.

Have You Ever Seen A Candidate Talking To A Rich Person On Television?

Sharing Our Depressions Felt Like Having Survived A War. The Experience Bonds You To The Other Person For Life.

Ascot Is So Exclusive That It Is The Only Racecourse In The World Where The Horses Own The People.

No One Ever Mentioned It, But Thousands Of Men Welcomed World War Ii As A Way To Escape Their Humdrum Lives Rather Than A Chance To Fight For God And Country.

The Reason I Don't Play Golf Is Because I Was A Caddie When I Was 13. Women Never Gave Up A Golf Ball That Was Lost Somewhere In The Trees And Thicket And Down Through The Poison Ivy. It Was During One Of These Searches That I Vowed To The Lord Above That If I Ever Earned Enough Money I Would Never Set Foot On A Course Again.

War For Most Men Is Not Fighting Or Marching In Parades. It Is Sitting Around Somewhere Wondering What The Hell You Are Supposed To Be Doing.

A Bad Liver Is To A Frenchman What A Nervous Breakdown Is To An American. Everyone Has Had One And Everyone Wants To Talk About It.

The Most Important Thing About Writing A Book Is Having Book Parties.

I Don't Know Whether It's Normal Or Not, But Sex Has Always Been Something That I Take Seriously. I Would Put It Higher Than Tennis On My List Of Constructive Things To Do.